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 Жестокие челюсти

Оригинальное название: Cruel Jaws
Год выпуска: 1995
Жанр: ужасы, комедия
Хронометраж: 95 мин
Производство: Europe Communications S.r.l., Production Group
Сайт фильма: http://www.us.imdb.com/title/tt0112747/
Страна: США, ?талия
Режиссер: Бруно Маттеи / Bruno Mattei
Дэвид Лютер / David Luther ... Francis Berger
- Джордж Барнс мл. / George Barnes Jr. ... Samuel Lewis
- Скотт Силверия / Scott Silveria ... Bob Snerensen
- Скай Пальма / Sky Palma ... Glenda
- Ричард Дью / Richard Dew ... Dag Snerensen
- Грегг Худ / Gregg Hood ... Bill Morrison
- Картер Коллинз / Carter Collins ... Ronnie Lewis
- Джей Колиган / Jay Colligan ... Tommy

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В курортном городке Хемптон Бэй происходят трагические события — на пляже находят изуродованные тела трех отдыхающих. Пляжный сезон, а с ним и прибыли местных воротил бизнеса, под угрозой срыва.

Богатый землевладелец Левис организует охоту на «машину смерти» — огромную тигровую акулу. Он обещает океанографу Даку кучу денег за акульи челюсти. Эти челюсти страшнее всех предыдущих.

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Berger: We're gonna need a bigger HELICOPTER!

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CRUEL JAWS: When a film class editing exercise becomes a movie

Long ago, when the tide was high and the water was rising, a man named Bruno Mattei set out to create the world's scariest shark film. Perhaps you've heard of him; he's directed such avant garde films such as Chicks in Chains, S.S. Extermination Love Camp, Porno Exotic Love, Porno Holocaust and Terminator II (but not THE Terminator II). The film remains infamous for how much footage it steals from different shark movies, and how much of a bold-faced rip-off of the original JAWS that this movie actually is. Now, I know there are some people out there who can look at a movie like SHARK ATTACK or DEEP BLUE SEA and exclaim, "Pfft...JAWS rip-off!" I don't want CRUEL JAWS in that category. It's something much more than a rip-off. It's like George Lucas went back over the original JAWS, and took out Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw, and super-imposed sweaty idiot sheriff and Hulk Hogan over their bodies. The movie is so much of a rip-off that Peter Benchley receives credit as a writer. As a movie fan, I should be all up-in-arms about this movie and boycott it's existence however possible, but...I simply cannot. I love it so. ::Heavy Sigh:: Oh, CRUEL JAWS. How do I love thee... Well, guess I better follow that reference up with counting the ways:

1. The climax of the film that finds some bad men being able to track our trio of heroes' location on the deep blue sea by utilizing a map inconveniently placed out in the open. On said map contains an area of charted ocean circled in fat red marker, with "IT'S HERE!" scrawled next to a fat red arrow confirming their location.

2. "Original" lines of dialogue, such as "all sharks do are swim, eat, and make baby sharks...and that's all" and a character spending "18 months at sea!" on a "floating asylum" for oceanic research. These lines were supposedly from the the original JAWS, but, I guess we'll never know, unless we put on TBS, who airs the movie every other weekend.

3. The audacity of actually attempting to recreate the famous bone-to-spaceship shot from Kubrick's 2001, only this time, with a shark-exploding-multiple-times-to-jumping-dolphins shot.

4. The former dirty dancer himself, Patrick Swayzee, playing the smarmy son of the smarmy mayer and dirtily dancing around the beaches with his beach bunny.

5. A shark that explodes three different times at the end of the film in order to incorporate the stolen footage of three different explosions.

6. Stock and stolen footage weaved throughout the film, which can instantly propel the space-time continuum forward or backward, having a woman point at a shark and scream during the day, and then see the shark swimming around in the dark waters during the night, or vice versa.

7. Hulk Hogan, cavorting around in an obnoxious neon green hat and playing with dolphins at the aquarium he owns.

8. Hulk Hogan's daughter, paralyzed from the legs down and confined to a wheelchair. However, said paralysis does not prevent said girl from kicking her obviously functional legs out from under her when she swims.

9. Non-John Williams music.(Stolen Star Wars theme doesn't count). I mean, really, who needs Williams' rhythmic ominous piano theme when you've got such awesome 80's songs featuring lyrics like: 'life in the fast lane, living on cocaine.'

10. "(Tiger sharks are) a sort of locomotive with a mouth full of butcher's knives."

11. A disco dance club scene featuring a girl shrieking "I wanna dance!" as she is already dancing.

12. Said paralyzed girl from earlier now blatantly standing to give her Hulk Hogan father a "good luck and kill the mean shark" hug before he sets off on a shark-hunting extravaganza of stolen movie footage and music.

13. "I'm gonna get a helicopter, some bait, and I'm gonna kill the mother-f**cker."

14. Stolen footage from: Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3, Jaws: The Revenge, The Last Shark and Deep Blood (all accounted for).

15. A woman who shrieks wildly and douses herself in gasoline as her boyfriend fires a flare at the shark (in order to edit in stolen footage of boat explosion from Jaws 2).

16. Robert Shaw, in a riveting performance that perfectly perpetuates the definition of talent. Wait.

17. A man hanging out of a helicopter and using a chunk of meat on a large hook in order to lure the shark out and shoot it...and actually thinking it will work, instead of being pulled into the water and almost instantly eaten.

18. References to the "only shark that is capable of this: the tiger shark" even though all stolen footage, stock archive footage and really bad shark head props all show Great Whites. (It should be noted that, while the "tiger shark" is apparently the only shark capable of such mayhem, everyone has seen many movies in which a Great White Shark is, indeed, also capable of such mayhem).

19. A farting shark. (You think I'm kidding? Well, I'm not kidding. I never ever kid about farting sharks.)

So when you're at the video store, staring at the DVD/VHS case for JAWS, wondering if you really want to see it again for the 217th time, I recommend you go home, jump on Ebay, and bid on a Region 0 DVD for CRUEL JAWS (since it's not available in the US market, due to the seven movies it steals from) and sit there and wait and re-bid and wait and re-bid and then get outbid by the big nerd who is willing to pay a lot of money for a stupid shark movie from Italy. (Like I was).

Автор рецензии: joeytonz from Sam


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